Having been raised in church and especially having a father who was a pastor, I thought that I had a pretty good idea what a heathen was. To make sure, though, I actually Googled it to discover the official Internet meaning. Of course, the word is usually used in a disparaging way when talking about someone. In general, it means someone who is irreligious, uncivilized or uncultured. 

Now I guess I always knew that being irreligious was probably what church people mean about heathen folk. Our history has a long story line of coming into contact with other people who were different than ourselves. And enough of them had some pretty strange living practices that were soon labeled “heathen.” 

Ol’ Dutch is a student of the American West and the history thereof and my family goes way back to the fabled Dodge City, Kansas days. You don't have to delve very far into the annals of history to find the American Indians being referred to as “heathens” by most writers of the day. 

And I guess by definition of long-ago church folk they were and giving them a label of such gave the “good” settlers more reasons to eliminate them from the earth. And I guess those same not-so-good Settlers did think the indigenous people were “uncivilized” according to biblical beliefs. 

Being of a different religion is the fastest way to trigger the “heathen” button. More wars are fought over a difference in religious beliefs than anything else. In history, labeling neighbors as “heathens” gave license to kill and maim at will. It's a human trait, I guess, to divide and conquer. And one I hope we outgrow one day. 

Just this past week Ol’ Dutch found out that the last definition of being heathenish as uncultured fits him, according to Miss Trixie. And here is the rest of the story like Paul Harvey used to say. It seems that Miss Trixie had done her due diligence and shopping magic once again last week and found some of that spray whipped cream for a quarter a can. You know the kind. You can point it and shoot it about anywhere your heart desires. 

(I thought about mentioning all the places that can be used but maybe I need to just take a hard pass on that in the guise of good taste. And boy, does it taste good.) 

Anyway, Ol’ Dutch has been enjoying having that delicious whiteness in my coffee every morning. Getting the cap off and on, though, is really a struggle. Whoever designed that thing must have tried to make it child proof, which by the way doesn't work as the grands ate a whole can of it last weekend. I struggle to get the lid off and on and drop it more times than I can recall. So, I suggested to Miss Trixie that maybe, just maybe, we can leave the lid off of the can to make it easier to use. 

I was quickly informed that we are not going to live like heathens by doing so. Now I don't know about you but not many heathens I ever saw in the National Geographic ever had whipped cream cans sitting around their huts, so I was a bit perplexed to say the least.  

Having researched the definition of being a heathen I think that maybe Ol’ Dutch is uncivilized enough in a lot of ways to qualify and maybe be the King of the heathen tribe to boot. 

I guess Miss Trixie must therefore be more of a modern Dr. Leaky who dedicated her life to studying early primitive man. And her soon to be published paper about living with a lid losing man will be enlightening and informative for all.

Kevin Kirkpatrick spends his days fishing, hunting, ATVing, hiking or making people laugh. His email is Kevin@TroutRepublic.com. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.