I think most of my readers know by now that Ol’ Dutch seems to be in a lifelong battle with the bulge. Not to be confused with the actual Battle of the Bulge, it is nonetheless a real struggle against a hardened belief system that was planted in me by the Kirkpatrick Clan as I grew up. 

Now while I do know that it's not even close to the actual struggle that incurred fighting the dreaded Nazis in WWII, our love of good food and especially sugar has always been somewhat of a battleground for me. I honestly think sometimes that my forefathers may have actually invented chocolate as it's a huge temptation for Ol’ Dutch which I cannot seem to pass by. 

Miss Trixie, ever her lovely, vivacious, gorgeous and wonderful self, often tries to get me to eat a better diet and will come home with all sorts of things toward that goal. Of late she has gotten us some Ezekiel bread, a dense, sprouted-grain, high protein wonder bread. And, to be quite honest with you, I can see why people lose weight eating such a concoction. The consistency is somewhat like cardboard and the taste, well let’s just say it's lacking. As in lacking any taste, whatsoever. 

Now for those of you that say Ol’ Dutch is probably just spoiled, you are completely correct in that assessment, and I don't really see any reason to change that if I don't have to. 

Miss Tinkerbell, my daughter-in-law, has most recently finished a college degree in nutrition of some sort and will soon have her masters to boot. She is smart as a whip stitch even though she married my son Bub’s knowing full well I was his father. But everyone has moments of weakness so I guess she found out too late exactly what that all entailed and is now stuck with all of us for eternity. Poor woman. 

Her collegiate studies have led her to really assess just exactly what everyone is eating and so a lot of changes came about in her little family and they eat to live instead of live to eat. There is no sugar in that household, which Ol’ Dutch believes is a sure sign of a turn toward communism — proof that the Red Horde has taken possession of their lives. 

Having traveled in the RV circles for about ten years, Ol’ Dutch and Miss Trixie were treated to pot luck dinners of unbelievable quality and quantity. And you can tell it too by looking at us. But, as those old people all told us, it's best to carry a little weight around so that if you get in the hospital you have some to lose. 

They all remember an Aunt Nan that passed quickly due to her trim and “frail to them” physique. People of that build were seen as being only one sniffle away from the Pearly Gates and so they all ate up trying to out chew the Grim Reaper. And to be honest with you, most of them did. 

Our dear neighbor Miss Green Jeans, a gardening expert extraordinaire, is always passing along things she has made or bought and just recently she found some Apple Fritters at the Farmer’s Market. She was kind enough to get some for us and they were gluten free, sugar free and honestly just about taste free to boot. 

Miss Trixie, ever the kind and selfless person she is, remarked that she thought they were “not too bad” which reminded me of a story from my bachelor days sans Miss Trixie. 

Some caring and well meaning old spinster brought three ladies to church for me to choose from for a wife like an auction block at the local livestock sale barn. My father, Fast Freddy, and the local pastor took me aside and told me that “they are not too bad” as if that was enough to swing the deal for Ol’ Dutch and pick one for matrimonial harmony. 

But I like my women just the same as I like my food. Sweet, fulfilling, satisfying and scrumptious. Hence I have Miss Trixie. Why she has me, well that's another story altogether. Maybe Ol’ Dutch is just “not too bad” and that's good enough for her.  

Kevin Kirkpatrick spends his days fishing, hunting, ATVing, hiking or making people laugh. His email is Kevin@TroutRepublic.com. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.