There is nothing Ol’ Dutch loves more than a good DIY project. Judging by the packed aisles at Home Depot, Lowe’s, and Walmart, I’m not the only one feeding this addiction. Gone are the days of the local lumber yard, where ordering supplies took weeks and rejecting an item meant paying a brutal restocking fee. Today's big-box stores have everything you need, and if they don't, they'll order it risk-free. 

Even returns, which used to be an absolute nightmare, are now just a quick click of a cash register. They find your original receipt electronically and put the money right back into your bank account. In fact, most of the places I frequent give you up to a year to return an item, which is actually quite insane. 

Miss Trixie, her gorgeous self, is a natural bargain hunter. She absolutely loves buying open-box returns. It’s always a gamble — you never know if a vital screw or bracket is missing — but the deep discounts keep her hooked. Her very first move is always to sit down and read the instruction manual – a habit that drives Ol’ Dutch straight up the proverbial wall.  

Now, if you're married to a man, you already know Ol’ Dutch’s philosophy: directions are strictly optional. We men like to wing it. Granted, I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes Tab A really does need to meet Slot B early in the process, but that won't stop me from rushing ahead and messing things up. It’s just written into our DNA. 

That got me to thinking — a dangerous pastime according to Miss Trixie — about the modern assembly manuals included in every box. They come in English, of course, but if you flip them upside down and backward, you'll find a chaotic mix of French, German, Japanese, Cantonese, and God only knows what else. To make matters worse, the English translation often makes about as much sense as putting mud in a pie pan. Speaking of which, Miss Trixie actually tricked her cousin into eating a real mud pie once upon a time, but that's a story for another day. 

I believe the hardest thing Miss Trixie and I ever attempted to install were the full-length glass shower doors in our two bathrooms. Not only were the instructions completely lacking in accuracy, but those doors weighed a ton and a half. Trying to get those bad boys installed without shattering the glass was as nerve-wracking as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  

Suffice it to say, every little clink and ping of that glass as we maneuvered it caused my stomach to flip-flop like a pancake at a fireman’s breakfast. I knew that if I broke it, I would have to endure some seriously disappointing looks from the boss lady. Against all odds, we got them up, they look beautiful, and Miss Trixie and I are somehow still together. 

Flipping through those multilingual manuals has made me think about the biblical story of the Tower of Babel. Right after Noah landed his boat at the Mt. Ararat marina and convenience store, humanity decided to gather together and build a tower straight to the heavens. It must have been some sort of massive public works project, because who else has that kind of time?  

They were making great progress with their mail-order "tower kit" until God decided to humble them. He scrambled their instructions into dozens of different languages. Confused by the sudden gibberish, everyone packed up, found a group they could actually understand, and scattered across the globe like coupons flying out of Miss Trixie's purse in a stiff breeze — multitudinous and fast. 

I do believe I have come to the end of a whole lot of assembly for now, but there are still a few ceiling fans waiting to be installed. Our relationship will once again be tested against the ultimate trial when Ol’ Dutch inevitably refuses to read the instructions first. 

On a much more enjoyable note, don't forget to visit South Fork, Colorado this summer to cool off! You can catch some fantastic white-water rafting with Mountain Man Rafting, now operating as Narrow Ridge Outdoors. If you book a trip, you might actually meet Ol’ Dutch and Miss Trixie in person, as we drive the shuttle vans for the company almost every single day. We promise you will have an absolute blast, and we will keep you thoroughly entertained with plenty of local stories to boot! 

Kevin Kirkpatrick spends his days fishing, hunting, ATVing, hiking or making people laugh. His email is Kevin@TroutRepublic.com. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.com .